


Brick by Brick

by faehyun



Series: The Stars [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29531208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faehyun/pseuds/faehyun
Summary: Renjun simply cannot hate Donghyuck forever.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Series: The Stars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2112873
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	Brick by Brick

**July 2021**

_Please leave a message after the tone._

_Donghyuck, I fucking hate you. With every ounce of my being, I hate you. I hate your stupid fucking mind and your hair and your hands. I hate how everything reminds me of you and how I can’t hear your annoying laugh anymore so I hate and I hate and I hate. The sky is too bright and people are too loud and I can’t go outside because all I do is cry. I hate the stars. I hate the stars so much because when I look at the fucking stars all I can think about is how I couldn’t love you enough to keep you._

**May 2023**

_“Hey, Renjun! I know you’re avoiding me right now, so don’t think you’re slick or whatever. Anyways, I miss you, you big dummy. Text me back when you can!”_

The first time Renjun heard that voicemail was when he was 15. He was bitter about how the other boy chose a girl over him. The second time, Renjun was 21, and he was bitter about how the other boy chose death over him. 

Donghyuck always sent voicemails. He would insist that he was bad at texting and that he always couldn’t express himself through the little blue bubbles.

Now, Renjun is 23, and he lets himself listen to the voicemail for the 47th time. Outside there is the familiar sound of a car door slamming, and he wonders if Jaemin will walk up the 3 storeys or take the elevator. If Renjun concentrates, he will hear the faint noise of steps on the stairs or the sound of the lift. Perhaps even both, if Jaemin gets tired in the middle.

Renjun’s therapist from 2 years ago would be shaking her head if she knew that he was listening to old voicemails again. Always talking about how he needed to move on and that it was unhealthy for him to grieve. The therapist wasn’t helpful anyways, she was commanding while Renjun was weary. 

When Renjun was 21, he thought that if he played those voicemails enough times, Donghyuck would come back. But he knows better now. The voicemails are a reminder of promises and nostalgia and childhood, something he should have let go years ago.

The door to the apartment opens, and Renjun makes it his job to wrap Jaemin in a hug, the other man’s body warm and safe. He lets himself get lost in it. Jaemin flicks him a smile, and asks whether Renjun wants to get UberEats or go out. 

“It’s raining.” Renjun says.

“So you want delivery.”

At night, while the rain patters on the windows and Jaemin has his arms around him, Renjun’s breath is even as he tries to fall asleep.

_Please leave a message after the tone._

_Hyuck, I still don’t think. Like you’re not dead in my mind. Sometimes I call your phone after work and expect you to pick up. It makes things so hard when I hear the robot instead of your voice. Isn’t that so fucking sad? Whatever. I was thinking about the sushi place we used to go to every Friday for like, a year straight when we were seventeen. I hope you still remember that time when we went and ordered too much sushi and went to give it to our friends but it was my first time driving and I crashed the car into someone’s fence. God. I remember not being able to sleep because I was so scared. Now, I’m braver.. past the age of being anxious like that. At least I think I am. Why couldn’t you stay with me, Hyuck?_

**July 2024**

_“What's up, Renjun! Do you want to go out later? Oh my god, can we please go to Mark’s bar crawl, I haven’t been drunk in so long. Also, do you have my jacket? I can’t find it in the dorm. Let me know if you want to get shit-faced! Bye!”_

Renjun’s parents convinced him to join a grief group a few weeks after Donghyuck’s death. Renjun could recite what the counsellors would preach to the group every fortnight like advertisement mottos. Grief is healthy and completely normal. Be kind to yourself, they had said. Grief is something you cannot hold, not physical, but you can feel it more than anything in your heart.

Renjun would sneer at that. Grief was the jacket collecting dust at the back of his closet. It was when his hand accidentally brushed the soft leather, the clang of the buckles if Renjun’s clothes bumped into them.

Far too many times did Jaemin find him sitting on the bedroom floor with his hands wrapped around Donghyuck’s old jacket. 

The last time Jaemin had seen him, his voice was gentle as he asked, “Why do you do this to yourself?” 

Renjun supposes now, that it was a good idea. Sometimes he thinks that Donghyuck would have wanted him to join a grief group. He still holds Donghyuck’s jacket though.

_Please leave a message after the tone._

_Hey Donghyuck, the psychologist says these voicemails are good for me, she said they’re a good way of letting out my emotions in a healthy way. I think it’s all some bullshit because why the fuck would I be willingly sitting on the floor crying again because I can’t say these things to you in real life. You left your jacket with me and I still have it. I hate seeing it when it's not on you. All I want is to be able to see you smile one more time. Once more._

**September 2026**

_“Renjun! I’m gonna be late after class but tell Mark not to wait for me. I’ll just take the bus instead of walking so that we meet at the same time. Bye! I’ll see you later!”_

When Mark announced that he was getting married, Jaemin had to hold Renjun back from hitting him. He had screamed at him, his face red and wet.

“Why the fuck would you do that to him, you piece of shit! Why the fuck are you replacing him with someone!” 

“It’s not like he loved me! He loved you! Not me!”

Renjun went silent. He could’ve spat in Mark’s face.

“Fuck you, Mark.” He had said, and left the apartment. 

The light drizzle couldn’t distract Renjun from his thoughts. About how he had spilled his entire heart to love Donghyuck. How he had cried for days when a girl asked Donghyuck out on valentine's day. How his entire life had crashed down before his eyes when Donghyuck told him that he was dating Mark. How Renjun had found comfort in Jaemin before Donghyuck realised. How the timing was never right. 

Maybe, Renjun had believed in the cruelty of fate. It was unforgiving and gave you one chance before you fucked it up. It would make sense that the cruelty of fate drove everyone around Renjun to move on. So Renjun had walked back to the apartment, and wrapped Mark in the biggest embrace he could master.

“I’m so fucking sorry Mark. I’ve been a horrible friend and avoiding my problems won’t do anything for me- or you. I’m happy for you, Mark. So happy.” He had whispered, while Mark cried into his chest.

Today, Renjun stands next to Mark at the altar. And with applause ringing in his ears, Renjun notices the glint in Mark’s eyes as he looks at his wife. It makes Renjun understand that fate isn’t cruel. It gives second chances, and more opportunities that you would never imagine. Renjun had turned around, and kissed Jaemin with such a velocity it would leave a bruise on his lips. 

“I love you. I love you more than anything in this world.” Renjun says.

Jaemin softened. “I would give the moon to you, Renjun.”

_Please leave a message after the tone._

_Hi Donghyuck, this number isn’t even yours anymore, last time I called it actually went through and some teenager called Evie answered and I cussed her out because it scared the shit out of me. We’re kinda old now if you think about it. Yangyang went through a quarter-life crisis and he donated all his clothes and dyed his hair this horrible shade of red, it was hilarious. Well. Mark got married last month, which is really weird to think about. It had me thinking about marriage. I think I’m ready to propose to Jaemin in the new year, which is very much frightening but I’m really fucking happy._

_I miss you. Every day I miss you. But I’ve learnt to not blame myself anymore._

**December 2026**

_“Merry Christmas Renjunnie! I know your phones muted so you won’t get this call, but tell your parents that I got them presents. Didn’t get you any, though. I’m joking. I’ll see you when I get back from Los Angeles! It’s far too hot for it to be considered winter here. I miss the snow. Okay bye, apparently it’s expensive to send a voicemail across countries. Reply to my messages!”_

At 21, Renjun had gone to a department store to buy his parents a few scented candles before heading back home. The scent of cinnamon the store smelt like overwhelmed him as he walked in. A Christmas song from the 2000s played, one that Renjun only knew the chorus to. 

When he saw Donghyuck, the boy was bent down to reach something on the shelf. The familiar brown hair, and posture in a pair of hideous pants that he would’ve made fun of if he was a few years younger.

Renjun bit his lip. The Donghyuck he saw shouldn’t look his way, and Renjun shouldn’t call out his name. Everything would shatter if he did - because it never was Donghyuck. It was just a boy the same height wearing a pair of slacks that Donghyuck would have hated.

Too often did Donghyuck turn around, for it to be a stranger.

Christmas was never Christmas without the boy’s presence. Christmas was when Renjun missed Donghyuck the most, the way they spent almost every Christmas together before, with all their friends. It wasn’t any different, now that they had their own separate lives. A Christmas party became tradition, a desperate attempt to all ignore the suffering which ate at them constantly.

Renjun now knows that it isn’t an attempt at ignorance anymore. It’s a time to be kind and catch up with friends. Their apartment is much cosier, the emptiness almost gone. 

Jeno is talking animatedly on the couch about something his parents said to him, using big gestures, so obviously exaggerating something. Jaemin is next to him with wide eyes, almost frozen in shock, while Yangyang has his arm around his girlfriend, both laughing in a comically similar way. 

Everyone else is scattered in the room, all talking to each other. Renjun is pleased that no one has spilt anything onto the rug yet, but he knows that Jaemin will have to take it to be cleaned once the night is over. 

He suddenly turns to Mark.

“Are you allergic to cats?” He asks, with a determination.

“No? Why?”

“I’m going to adopt one.”

“Don’t you think this apartment is a little small to own a cat in? Are you going to find a new one, or maybe you guys can move into a townhouse? I don’t know, but think about your future and s-”

Renjun looks at Mark’s worried face and smiles.

“Everything will be fine.”

And for once, Renjun means it.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the end of this series! it was a trip to write and i hope you guys enjoy reading :)


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